That day… the day that affected me most deeply…that shattered whatever strength I had regained since the loss of my husband… that fatigued my invincible self.. that would cause me to burst into tears whenever I thought of it later…
That day, my son wanted to go out with me somewhere. Though I was not sure where we were heading, I thought I would take my daughter too along with us. But, then I understood that he wanted to have a one-on-one conversation with me about something important, when he insisted that his sister not come with us.
As we were traveling in the auto, my mind went speculating on the possibilities. ‘Is he in love with someone? If so, would the girl be empathetic to my family and its issues? If the girl turns out to be too self-centered, how would I manage to repay the family debts? How could I muster the resources to marry off my daughter?’ I thought I would ask him for a promise that he would not marry till after his sister. By the time we reached our destination – the beach, I was quite firm in my resolve about asking for such a promise.
At the beach, I let him speak out as we walked along the shore. When I learned the truth about his homosexuality, everything froze for a moment in me until I was able gather myself a bit. My first reaction was to suggest he seek out some kind of medical procedure. At this, my son, with all certainty, declared that medical procedures were neither needed nor of any use. Moreover, he opened my eyes to the plight of the girl who marry him if at all he was coerced to marry. I fixed my eyes on him, speechless.
I recalled some of those articles I had read in magazines. I thought some poople chose to be that way, and that they are crazy. I used to think that such articles were published because they were sensationalistic. I used to resent such information when I read it. When I expressed these thoughts to my son, he further explained me that this is an irreversible state about which one does not have a choice and there is nothing more to worry about as such, except for not being able to have an usual marriage like others. Moreover, he assured me that he would take care of all family responsibilities. By then I was in tears while my eyes were still on him. I wondered, if it were a retribution to my selfish fear of losing him to a girl. Now that, God has given my son back completely and ‘lonely’.
No matter what, he is after all my son. I cannot hate him or ostracize him for that. In all my miseries, my children have been my only consolation. Even if one of them turned out to be a thief, I would have brought him to course with all my love. But my son is pure. All that he needs is love, affection – an affection that would embrace him even when the whole world stood against him, for he is my blood, more than my own life.
Recollecting this incident later, sometimes I feel, had he not told me the truth, I would at least be cherishing my fond dreams of his marriage and grandchildren by him. There also a strange pleasure I feel in knowing that he is forever mine. And there is this moment when the fears nestled in a corner of my heart travel up to my throat – fears about who would take care of him during difficult times. But there is so much hope in the rest
of me that I have raised my children to fight, not to give up and God is by their side.
Since the coming out incident, I have been actively seeking out information on homosexuality and also have had discussions with people who have views on this. Now, I am fully convinced of the fact that people like my son have no choice about their orientation, and it is none of their fault. I wish everyone like my son would retain their family’s approval, affection and love. I would try my best to explain to people with misconceptions about homosexuality and I am sure I would find happiness in doing so.
As of now, I miss him a lot. He is very far away from me, on another continent, where his work has taken him. Yet, I just cannot control my tears whenever I think about him. I yearn so much, from the depths of my heart, for him to be with me right now, this moment. I have just a couple of family duties to fulfill. With that, I just want to spend my last years with him, care for him to my fullest till my last breath. But, what after that? I continue to wonder…
mother of FTP
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