A letter on marriage, family, social circles, relatives and a father’s response
Dear Ani,
The letter from Ganesh was really moving. He has expressed his deep
thoughts in a very sensitive and sensible manner. As you asked me to pen
a response to it as a parent of a gay person, I needed sometime to
regroup my thoughts about that moment of ‘crisis’ – yes, it was – in our
family life – your coming-out.
It is easy to claim one is a broad-minded and progressive-thinking
person, an acknowledged intellectual, a man with no prejudices, and all
that. But, when the moment comes, when such a person faces the question
of homosexuality (which is actually a simple truth for the science he
believes in), the turbulence is unimaginable.
Ani, you and your friends may be interested
in learning how actually I felt when you ‘came out’. Of course, there
were some casual doubts earlier, but perhaps I had been afraid to ask
and encounter the truth. And when you told us you were gay, it was
undoubtedly shattering, at least for a brief moment. On hindsight, I
feel it was all from the fear of ‘what will the others say?’ – exactly
the point raised by Ganesh.
I must say, of course, very clearly, that
it was your mother, who immediately took it all in a very healthy and
accommodative sense; that is perhaps a mother, even if it is clichéd to say
that; and a son is a son, whatever he is.
As for me, as an imagined intellectual, the situation brought a strange
soul-searching. Here I am, supposed to be eschewing all prejudices, do I
hesitate or am I capable of ignoring, what will the others say – the ‘four
persons’ opinion, as they colloquially say in Tamil.
It was not a question of accepting or not the different sexual orientation of
your son. Not at all. Actually, for a moment, I was reminded of Spencer Tracy
character in the Stanley Kramer film, ‘Guess who is coming to Dinner’. How an
acknowledged liberal, white man, a supporter of the civil rights moment and a
political leader of integration, is shocked when his girl brings her black
fiancé home; he is not
a charlatan, but is still shaken, wondering ‘why is this happening to me?’, but
in a little while he regains balance.
So that was it. It certainly took a little while to stabilize my basic instincts
and stand by all my personal convictions – “You know homosexuality is a
fact of nature. And your son is always yours, and you have found very little to
complain about him on anything; in fact, he has made you to be proud in many
occasions. And he needs your love and understanding now more than any other
time.” And thus it was alright for me in every sense. Moreover, Ani, with a very
understanding mother at home, you have had no problem with parents, as usually
faced by many gay persons. But, then I don’t know how can I ever counsel any
parent, who generally does not share my convictions on many matters -
scientific, social, political etc. I sympathize with anyone who cannot break out
of the normal mould to face the situation of facing a gay child. But he will,
eventually, as the love of the parent to the son will be powerful enough to
surmount any external influences, even the religious ones.
I think in religions that do not unequivocally condemn people to ‘eternal
damnation,’ the problems people need to overcome is the importance given to
social approval. So it is usually really ‘in the closet’, both for the family
and the person. Sometimes others – the ‘four persons’ – will even ignore it and
not be downright malicious. There are several such cases, as you are aware. But
then, it is the other’s opinion, that stands like the elephant in the room.
In my situation, it was not to be. (I think, I actually asked you – “okay, why
should you shout from the housetop that you are gay?”). It did take some time
for me to understand this is not to be the case. What do you do when your son is
not likely to be ‘in the closet’, but is actually getting on to be an activist
and a kind of public voice. Naturally, your basic convictions and your love for
your son make you
to stand by him. Your mother and I — your mother much more instinctively than
me — have and will always stand by you. (Forget
the elephant in the room).
For me, there was another funny thought. I had imagined myself in adolescence as
a revolutionary – something like a ‘naxalite’ (Please don’t laugh!). Now what
shall I do, if I find my son turning out to be rebel hunted by establishment and
society. Shall we not stand by our son? Yes, We shall. (I am not trying to
say that if I were a conservative, I would have found it difficult to accept a
radical
son; you accept your son, even if you disagree with his politics or activities.)
All that I am trying to convey, in a very rambling, if not confusing, way is
that my wife and I have accepted, without reservations, that our son is gay.
Period. (Hear me, elephant! Cant you go away!). But I don’t find myself quite
adequate to counsel other parents, who may have different convictions and
deep-rooted prejudices. Each family’s and each individual’s case is different.
Only your love for your child will guide you to the right path. All that the
confused parent has to remember is: the fact that your son or daughter told you
that he/she is ‘different’ is a sign of his or her love and need for your
support and understanding. After all, who should know if not you? No other
minority is asked to hide from their own parents what makes them “different”!
(Wait, before somebody points out, I should haste to say that some of these
lines and ideas are actually from the web). And always remember, it is not a
chosen situation, it is a genetic, biological chance event. Don’t curse why this
should happen to you; remember that we have to play the game with whatever cards are dealt us.
The opinion of other people is just an embarrassment in our bourgeoisie society.
[Come to think of it, I also happen to be only a 'closet rebel' and even my irreligiosity is always submerged! Funny people simply ignore it, even to my consternation!] About the question of dodging the marriage question, asked by Ganesh, there is no way out but by braving it through. Well, my son is not the marrying kind, period – only that can be the parent’s answer to people. I disagree with Ganesh that he is isolating his parents from their social circle and that it is totally unfair to them. No social circle can be avery strong support system in all situations. It is not only for the parent of a gay person that having unmarried son/daughter is a special situation. However difficult it is, the sooner the parents realize and accept their son or daughter is not going to get married, the better it is for all of them. [I shall not bring in my thoughts on gay-marriages in this communication; that can be taken up in a different discussion.]
I am now coming to the best part of Ganesh’s communication, which made me think a lot. I am still thinking. He asks: “I am convinced that, as a loving parent,
she had to accept me. But does she really have to feel ‘proud’ about it? Why?
and if she does, what is the source of the pride? That I am her son? wouldn’t
that be a little phoney?..They accept us because we are their children and they
love us, but do we have the right to claim that they should very proud of it?”
[Brilliantly put, Ganesh.]
What is it that makes one proud of his or her child? Am I proud of my son
because he is an excellent dancer? I am, yes, but what is my privilege in his
accomplishment? Would I not be proud of my son if he is not an excellent dancer?
The way you are proud of yourself, and the way your mother is proud of you are
not the same things, Ganesh. The things that makes you proud (“all that you have
gone through”) and the instinct of pride of a mother in her son are in different
dimensions; don’t be carried away since both have the same word to describe –
“proud”. She will be more proud of you now that you are ‘different’ and thus
would
need her affection and understanding and she will give them, and that is the
expression of her pride. I think my wife can express these
ideas much more instinctively and clearly.
Children, let me use a current terminology: you are a special ‘minority’ (the
court has also pronounced it). A minority is something that expresses its
‘difference’ from the majority. Alternate sexuality is a case where the
‘minority’ line crosses into the boundaries of the
family. Most other minorities have their families as they themselves are -
minorities. When people of the ‘majority’ within the family
accept and understand the ‘difference’ of the ‘minority’ with them, perhaps it
is that what makes them proud. [And I repeat, a
different ‘proudness' than your ‘pride'].
Vasudevan
October 18, 2008
Note: The letter referred to in this
mail is appended below
I have been pondering over some thoughts. This is a long posting and hence read
with discretion.
I have a very loving family. My younger sister is also my best friend. My mom is
my next best friend. I am not on the emotional/best- friendly plane with my dad,
but we do share a bond of deep care and concern for each other. My elder sister
though married and not so easily accessible for chatting is still very close and
understanding and all in all I feel blessed. I miss my family while being away
from them and these days I see myself looking for an excuse to visit them
whenever I can.
When I am with friends and we all often
recollect our childhood memories, I would see that we all have gone through the
same kind of phases and shall I say shitty treatments more or less. But often I
do notice some very non-typical traits in me, for example somewhere around my
sixth grade, when I was barely 11 years old, I knew I was attracted only to
guys. and I had zero confusion about that. I could also deduce then that
marriage was not for me… Nothing unusual, just that I haven’t met many people
to whom all this came so early.
From then on, I have never doubted what my sexuality was or if I should
‘reconsider’ attraction to girls. Of course I went through all the shit of being
different, feeling like an oddity and being uncomfortable in my skin, that most
us have been through. But the point that I want to make is that I had always
accepted myself. Right away. As time was passing I was noticing an entirely
different world around me. A world that was not only attracted to the opposite
sex but I noticed, saw and perceived things a little differently. A world that
ridiculed me for not liking cricket, for liking arts-and-crafts and for being
just so non-sportive.
To drive the long story short, with these early episodes, I became immensely
comfortable of being ‘different’ all the time, because that had become a daily
routine from I don’t know when. It slowly evolved into pride. A defiant pride of
being totally remorseless of what I was and being absolutely nonchalant of all
the ridicule around me. As I look back I can see that this is the pride that has
grown and matured into one that is more identifiable with our community, the
pride of celebrating ones sexuality and the freedom to love. I also see it
sometimes bordering on political lines and seeking human-rights and freedom in
law’s words. But only sometimes. It is more content in just being absolutely
remorseless about what it is. Long term abuse/ridicule has made it somewhat
indifferent to the people/society around.
Now why I said so much about my pride is that, there was strong source for it. A
self established source that spawned the pride out of deep self-acceptance and a
vehement remorselessness. Mostly, as the case would be, my family did not go
through all this with me. They did not see or feel the ridicule. They did not go
through the difficulties of being ‘different’.
I recently came out to my Mom. We had a long and fulfilling discussion. I had
trips planned all around with her, and we got ample opportunity to munch,
discuss and re-discuss the details and the consequences. To summarize, she was
very accepting. She was ok with my sexuality and ‘difference’ , but she was very
worried about the marriage part. Or perhaps I should say the life partner part.
Of not having anyone to take care of me when I will be–u know that cliché- old.
It was difficult to convince her that a male ‘partner’ could be just as much as
a wife. She is slowly trying to understand and I am positive that she will be ok
with time.
I sometimes ponder on the marriage question. What will happen when all my old
relatives, carrying a visage-of-concern, will swarm around and discuss marriage
and keep asking and prodding me and my mom like their life depends on it. Up
until now I would have definitely loved to tell them that I want to marry a man
and show them the door. But now I am caught wondering, as how it will be to my
mom. I am convinced that as a loving parent she had to accept me. But does she
really have to feel ‘proud’ about it? Why? and if she does, what is the source
of the pride? That I am her son? wouldn’t that be a little phoney? They accept
us because we are their children and they love us, but do we have the right to
claim that they should very proud of it?
I have a strong reason to be proud. I cant help but be proud after all I have
been through. But she hasn’t been through any of it or seen any of the
ridicule..she of course feels bad that I had to face all of it, but 15 years of
every-day cannot be fed into a person. They can sympathise but not empathise..but
I am affected by these questions, because it implies that they have to cut their
relatives (I am not counting much on the very far-fetched ‘accepting relatives’
possibility) and just comfort themselves that they are proud of their
children..which I think is pretty phoney.
But I would love to hear if others have different opinions. I feel that by
dodging the marriage question head-on, I am isolating my parents from their
social circle, and that it is totally un-fair to them, as their social circle is
a very strong support system for them.
And if people and their parents have successfully/un- successfully dodged
this marriage and relatives conundrum then I would love to hear their accounts
also.
Ganesh