Praveen’s Coming Out Story

Praveen talks about his attraction to men in this story

As I work in night shifts, I had hardly spoken to my brother in a few weeks. Day before yesterday, it so happened that my brother took off for some personal reason. So after a very long time, all the four – my mom, sister, brother and I – had a casual talk on the day. Whenever we were together we always ended up with some discussions. Usually it is my mom or I would start a discussion with a current topics..(varies from politics, sports, love affair and so on). I started a discussion, ‘Whether marriage is the only source of peaceful life?’ (This wasn’t so new to me, coz we had already discussed topics like ‘Sex education – Pros and cons’, ‘How shall we plan to control AIDS’ and mostly it was my mom who suggested those topics.. (My father used to scold my mom for discussing such topics explicitly with children…but she hardly cared)

So the discussion went very hot; my sister and me stood on the point that marriage is important but at the same time it is not the only source for satisfaction and serene life… My brother stood against us by telling that marriage is only way to live a proper, disciplined and satisfied life… Discussion went for almost three and half hours… My mom suggested, it’s up to the individuals and their happiness; if the individual could live life peacefully without marriage, then nothing should stop him! And no one should be forced to get married!!! I didn’t know, my mom started noticing me from that….

Today morning, I shared this to Mukesh and Arun when I was chatting with them… And started from office after getting my day’s chores done.. When I reached home, it was my mom who opened the door…It was 5.35 am.. I attired myself to my night dress and started watching Lord of the Rings (Return of the king) for the zillionth time… Before the first CD was over, my brother got up and left to his office and my sister was taking her shower… My mom, sat behind me… She gave me the cup of tea… So I paused the movie, coz tea time is usually our time for discussing family issues.. She asked me, ‘Is there anything u wanted to indicate me…tell me?? ‘
I was puzzled and looked at her.
‘I mean do you have something to tell me that is related to our necessity of marriage discussion..??’, she looked at me with a smile…
‘N..No maa.. it was just a discussion i wanted to have’, i stammered…
‘See… there nothing that u cant discuss with me… afterall, i don’t have anyone else other than you three and if you have any issues you should tell me, so that I can help you, if needed’
‘No maa, nothing like that…’, i faltered…
She didnt say anything…then she spoke something bout paying my sister’s college fees.. but i was just thinking about her question… Should i tell her about me now?? After a quick debate in my mind, I ventured to tell her…I didn’t want to miss the opportunity…
‘Maa, i wanted to tell you something bout me… But I don’t know how you would face that, but I think you should know that maa’, i gazed at her for her approval…
‘See, you are my child.. there is nothing could change that and make me hate you…tell me what’s that’, she waited for my reply…
We heard sound of my sister coming out of bathroom… So she asked me, ‘Do you want papa (we call our sister that way) to hear that, or it’s only with me…?’
‘No maa, we’ll tell papa later…it’s only with you as of now..’
‘Ok wait, i’ll do one thing…’
she raised and went back to kitchen. then she convinced my sister that we were going out to purchase shirts for me…We started from home by 9.30…. Meanwhile, as i never thought I would come out so soon, i prepared myself for that… I organised info that i had to tell to convince her.
We took an auto-rikshaw and she took me to Besant nagar beach..!!!!

While travelling in auto she talked much about the budget for the next month.. (Coz i’m the finance incharge for my family) We got off from auto and strolled towards the seashore….
I started ,
‘Maa i wouldnt be telling this dad, even if he were with us, i just wanted to tell you…only you… Coz, i always shared everything with you…You always trusted me and i dont want to conceal myself from you…I wanted to you to know completely about me…’ , i stopped for a moment and continued,
‘Maa, do you think I think twice before I take any decisions…. Do you believe that I always analyse things before deciding anything…?’, I looked at her for reply..
‘Of course daa kutty, you always take right decisions, I’ve no doubt of that..’, she said..
‘Amma, what i wanted to tell you is.. i’m a… Well, i cannot marry a gal, maa… Coz I’ve never had any attractions for gals maa… Never had that… Ever since my first attraction, I’ve been attracted only to males… I’m a homo-sexual male, maa… This is wat I wanted to tell you… I dunno whether you would accept me or not..but I wanted you to know this…I chose to tell you, coz you’ve always understood me better than any other… ‘, I uttered these words and waited to utter more after her reply…
‘How do you know this.. that you are a homo-sexual male? ‘, she asked me sharply…
‘Coz i feel that… ‘ and i had to explain her how I felt for boys… and I continued, ‘But this not my problem maa…defintely not… It’s due to some hormonal differences…’
‘Can it be cured..?’, she asked me

‘Maa this is not a disorder or disease, i’m absolutely male… I’ve no problems with my body… And moreover it’s natural ma… Trying to change that is against nature… and moreover, even if I get married to a girl, I shall never live a happy life with her…It’s like spoiling a girl’s life..I cannot do that maa; should not do that… Almost 8 to 10% of population are homosexuals maa… I’ve analysed myself clearly and only after complete introspection, I’m saying this to you…. I shall show you those statistics too maa…’

‘Listen kutty, I’ve always believed you and still believe you… If it’s you saying this, i don’t need any documents to substantiate it…I don’t need to verify about your orientation to anyone else… I know you… you are such a responsible kid…now if you choose to be like this, then you should still be in right part… Amma, didnt took it wrong…as a nurse, i’ve already seen such cases daa.. All that i wanted make sure is, you should be happy… afterall, how many struggles we have faced together… You’ll never spoil anything… how can amma hate you?? This is not ur fault, rite? Dont bother bout anything… Tell me wat should i do…and i’ll do accordingly… I’ll never insist you to get married… but how long are you gonna be single?’ She almost made me wordless and i was wondering bout her…Coz i’ve prepared myself to face some emotional scenes from her… But she was clear cut… Amma neeyaa ithu? Then i explained her that i would get a person like me as partner… She asked many questions… but i had answers for all… I was quite good in delivering it with correct pace…

She was extremely convinced…. We then went to barista…had double-choco-fudge.. she was always smiling and very casual… Before starting, ‘ I’m extremely happy that u have taken a clear decision bout ur life…and onething that impressed me is, that way u cared for a gal’s life – for not spoiling her life!! Don worry now…Forget everything fro here…and we’ll go home peacefully…’, she clasped my hand with her with a reassuring smile….I never planned to come out so soon….But, sure it’s god and my mom helped me….it was total twist from my mom..Now, my eyes and heart is full of my mom and her Angelic smile.