Our Voices The Orinam Blog

Standing Out

I am a transman.

Saying this today took me years to grow, learn, stumble, cry; the journey hasn’t stopped. I was a shy person in school and half of my life was spent hoping things will be fine. That I will be somebody who fits in with society just like others do. But it never happened.

Knowing different aspects of people is beautiful. I have started realizing how knowing people is more important than judging them by what is inside their clothes. Maybe I should thank my lucky stars because they gave me parents who always have let me be the way I wanted myself to be. They always tried to make my teenage years more about positivity than anything else.

Being mentally exhausted, bipolar, and having anxiety, it is tough for a person to face life, but nobody said it is impossible. There were times when I used to stay awake for three days straight, and stay locked in my room for days. I am glad those days have passed.

I remember how those were the days I started reading books, and how that helped me through this tough journey. My struggle was always about myself and my identity: it wasn’t about anybody else in it. I still remember how I tried dating a boy and instead of falling in love we both became brothers after few days.

I tried to keep my hair, wear clothes that I was never comfortable in, but – hell – nothing worked. Those were some of the worst decisions I have ever taken, but I am grateful for them at the same time.

Loving someone doesn’t need to be defined or described with a word.  I love my dog and I swear I don’t care about his gender. Do I? I was dating a girl for three years and we both shared something very sublime and strong. I started knowing and accepting myself quite more with her than I could have done on my own. However, we ended on bad terms later on.

My dating life is very much full of crests and troughs. At present,  I am in love with different people every day. I am still exploring life, people, sky, stars and everything else. I love people who speak about rain, love, poetry, life.

Perhaps what l feel is our gender, being queer is not the only thing that defines us. Above all, we are human. We are people of diverse attributes, I feel what we must focus on is how we can be better humans: not what someone wears or who they decide to sleep with.

My friends have always supported me. And they have always stood by me, no matter what, even though I am a tough person to be handled.

To the people here, what I want to say is hope and belief are the two strongest words you will ever know. They can make you grow and never quit. Always try to believe in yourself and never stop hoping. The sky isn’t the limit.

Note: This post first appeared in Queernama on Sept. 29, 2017, and has been republished with the consent of the author.

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