Our Voices The Orinam Blog

Vijay’s Coming Out Story

Vijay talks about his attraction to men in this story.

Part 1: To my Sister:

It’s was through yahoo voice chat. I told her that I’ll send her 2 files and asked her to read them. Those were the coming out story of Shri and the letter written by Praveen’s mom. I thot I can try this cuz, I wanted to test the grounds before.. I told her that I’ll read through the letters and asked her to follow them as I read them aloud. There was a change in her tone when she saw ” a mother’s feelings when her gay son comes out”. I thot she’ll be freaked out but thankfully not. Both the letters were read out. Now came the moment.

I : what’s common between the 2 letters?
She: both the parents showed a great sense of affection and acceptance. I : do u find any other similarity? She: both sons are gay? I: ok.. now, why do u think I’d send these letters to you?
She: I dunno.. u tell me..
I : Deepu, I dunno whether u’ll find it hard to accept this but even I have this thing in common with those 2 guys..
She: what? ???!! I: yes, I’m gay too..
She: oh my god.. are u kidding? Are u really serious?
I: why would I kid abt something like this? I’m really serious..

 

What followed was a deluge of questions like when did u know this, how can a man have feelings for another man etc. thanks to the orinam pages and other gay resources like the faq , I could some how make her understand. After almost an hour of q&a, finally I asked her, what does she feel abt me now.

To which her response was: Vijay, from what I read abt this now and from the little that I know before abt this `gay’ thing, I understand that it’s nature and there’s nothing that we can do against it. I can assure u my full support. I dunno how mom and dad will react to this but yes, it’s a shock to me. Nevertheless, I’ll be ok and I’ll definitely be on ur side. Don’t worry da.. I was really amazed by her.. I had never known that she’ll handle this in such a mature and empathizing way. I felt so blessed to have such a wonderful sister. I told her that I need to tell mom abt this today as my dad was out of station and I wanted to also tell my before he comes back. She told me to wait and that we can tell it after a few days but I insisted, cuz I dint wanna prolong this nervousness in me. As my mom wasn’t there at home (she had gone to a relative’s wedding reception), she told me that she’ll call me to come for the online chat when my mom comes back.

Part 2: coming out to my Mom:

It’s was late in the night for me  arnd 10.30 pm in Chennai, when my mom was back home. She came online, and told abt the relatives and that they insisted her to wait till the end. Then, she asked me what’s that something that I wanted to tell her.( my sister had already told my mom that I’ve got to tell her something) I asked my sister to open those letters that I sent her earlier and asked my mom to read them. She finished reading both the letters and asked me, “what’s up with these letters?” I asked her inturn, “ma, can u understand what’s being talked abt in these letters?”

She told, ” I’ve earlier heard abt ppl like these in the `vazhga vallamudan’ society(the spiritual community that she is a member of). I know how hard it’s for these ppl and our professors there have suggested meditation for these ppl to get rid of the fear associated with this `problem’. Whether the society accepts them or not, these ppl have been taught to accept themselves and that there’s nothing wrong in it” . My heart almost skipped a beat in joy. I dint know that she’ll even show a hint of understanding this. She further asked, “Ok… so why did u send these letters to me?” I : ” why do u think I’d send these to u?” She: “do u someone like this? Shall I help them through the meditation that the society taught me?” I: “Ma.. it’s me.. no one else..” She too, showed the same reaction as my sister but more intensely shocked.. But her questions later were not what I expected from her.. she asked “do u feel this only now?” . I told, “no ma.. I had already known this since my teens.. I was jus scared to talk abt this to anyone.. only of late, after coming to know abt a yahoo mailing list called Movenpick, which is a support grp for ppl like us, I started accepting myself completely and feeling confident abt the way I am. I’m so sorry ma..”

She: ” Vijay, whatever it is, u are my child, my son.. u’re as close to me as my eyes are to my body. I completely understand u and I’ll be on ur side for all the decisions that u take. But for my satisfaction, I’ll consult some ppl and doctors here to see whether u can get this cured. Even otherwise, I’ll totally support u.. So do u think u can marry a girl?”

I: ” No ma.. I cant.. it’ll definitely wont be fair on my part if I do that..” She: “ok.. that’s really something that’s hard to digest.. I dunno how are we gonna face our conservative community.. ppl will question us, abt why u aren’t married yet.. we shud somehow figure out a reason.. and moreover, I dunno how’s dad gonna accept this fact..” I: ” yes ma.. u shud help me tell him.”

She: ” I’ll try my best.. but I wont tell him immediately.. let me try hinting at it and see how he reacts. But eventually he’ll come to know abt it. Now what u shud do is, to be bold and forget all this.. ok? Don’t be worried abt telling dad now. You’ve told me and now u shud feel light.. u have no reason to be scared of telling this to me vijay.. if u were here at home this moment, I’d have hugged u, kissed on ur forehead and embraced u..” “because, I dunno much abt this thing ( homosexuality ) I dunno what to suggest u to lead a happy life. But u do what u think is right.. u have all the freedom in this world, and I’ll be ok with whatever u do..” “why did u take so long to tell this to me? U could have told this when u were in Chennai.. why after all these days? ”

I: ” Ma, I was afraid to face rejection.. I thot u and dad will get angry on me and not know how to handle this.. so I thot I shud take some time..” She: “do u think, we’re that shallow, that mean..? how can u ever think, we’ll be angry on u.. ok.. I’ll even forgive u for thinking like that.. I’m glad that u atleast talked abt this now instead of locking this in ur heart.. I understand that this is natural and it’s not ur fault.. I believe that everything is pre-written and nothing is re-written. U were perhaps destined to be like this(gay). No matter what, don’t ever think, we’ll reject u.. I’m in fact proud of u Vijay.. all that I’m afraid abt is ur future.. may be cuz now u’re young, u can tell me that u can live alone.. but can u live with a man, when u grow old and can u expect the affection and support from a man, till u die?”

I: ” ma.. I dunno that.. but I can manage things for now, being single.. I wanted to also emphasise that I cant marry a girl and that u don’t have to try finding one for me.. I also have other career plans in my life and I’ll be quite busy with that..”

She: ” ok vijay.. even if u wanna live with another guy, I approve that.. u go ahead.. I’m confident that u’ll know what’s right for u.. but give me sometime.. I need this fact to sink in.. it’s not a bad thing but it’s something like a new shocking news.. meanwhile, I’ll try to gather more knowledge abt this.. ok.? It’s very late now.. go home and sleep well.. a big burden is off u now.. u’ll definitely do well in ur life my dear son..” Whoa! This really made my day.. I felt like a new born.. it may sound clich�d but ppl will know what it feels like only when they experience it.. I’m so glad that I got a such a positive response from my mom especially.. I was really overwhelmed with joy..

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