Yet Another Tale Of Love
Meendum Oru Kadhal Kadhai( Yet another tale of love..)
By LoveChild
CS was my colleague in my erstwhile firm – Here was a man who was very inconspicuous and could get lost in the crowd. My first memory of him was “dirty shoes”. His black leather formals were “brown” due to lack of attention that was paid to it. I am sure that the leather was “thirsty” for some good “Cherry Blossom” lubrication. So every time, I passed him on my way to the corner seat I had on the 4th floor of our office, his shoes caught my attention and I would think that someone should donatea new pair of shoes or at least buy him shoe polish for his birthday. My interaction with CS was restricted to a formal greeting. He was not someone who would make you hold your breath at first glance. I think of him like A R Rahman’s music – that grows on you…at least that’s what he did to me. Very plain, wearing clothes that defined”monochrome” and an oily scalp, he was the typical Madras middle class software engineer of the late 1990’s, trying to make a career for himself.
CS was more of an introvert and did not make much effort to mingle with others. Then there were days when I would work late and sometimes, there were very few folk left on the floor. That’s how CS and I started having our first conversations. These were also the days when my one way relationship with SN was at its turbulent worst as our fights, expectations at odds, arguments etc. was taking its toll on both of us and was killing me more than anything else. Then one evening, CS came over to my seat and started talking to me. Even then, I did not have any attraction to him whatsoever. He then asked me if I would like to join him for dinner at the New Woodlands Hotel on Radhakrishnan Salai as it was quite late already and I agreed. We drove in his car to the hotel, had dinner and on our way back, “Enna Villai Azhage”, a ballad from the then hit musical “Kadhalar Dinam” was playing on his car stereo. I loved this song and CS noticed that I was kinda totally immersed in it and he asked me if I would like to listen to it again to which I replied in the affirmative. We listened to that song together in our office parking lot. We then went to finish our remaining tasks for the rest of the evening before we headed to our respective homes.
On my way back home, I started thinking about CS. I figured that I liked his deep, sonorous voice and whenever he smiled, he did look very handsome. CS was dark in complexion but had very good features. He was the type that I liked – dark, lean, hungry look, ample moustache and clean teeth (shoes – an exception). In my limited interaction with him, CS came across as an honest, no nonsense guy with an opinion. That night as I lay down to sleep, I realized that I was waiting to get back to office so that I could meet him again. I started missing him. A crush for him had blossomed.
CS, like almost all the men whom I fell for was “heterosexual” to the core. Little did he realize that a harmless, casual invitation for a quick bite sometime in March 2000 would affect my feelings, dreams, fantasies and emotions more than even I could imagine. He became the one that I longed for, the one I dreamed off and the one I wanted to kiss good night – every night.
In the days that followed, I would spend more time with him than I did with others. I would long for him to come to work. Although, I was still in the last stages of my stormy relationship with SN, a relationship that was headed nowhere; I realized that my feelings were getting stronger for CS. CS was getting puzzled by the inordinate amount of attention I was showering on him and slowly started getting wary of me. The more he got away from me, the more I wanted him. To my credit, I managed not to let the cat completely out of the bag and used to keep a check on my emotions, actions, body language, and words as I did not want to completely drive him away from me. It was an early realization that things were not going the way I’d have wanted it to be as he did not betray even a slight hint of ‘swinging’. In retrospect, I often laugh at myself for even entertaining that thought. But hey, hopeless romantics like me are eternal optimists, hoping that by some stroke of luck or turn of events, folk like CS will come on a white horse in a shining armor and carry me to live happily ever after with him in our little cottage in the middle of a coconut grove tucked in the Cauvery Delta to have “Nila Soru”
This was also the time when my first travel to the US was being finalized and it was a crazy time. In one of my conversations, I asked CS as to when he would get married. CS said that if he makes it to the US within a year’s time, he would think of remaining single for the rest of his life. This kindled some hope in me and I started praying that CS will make his way to the US soon.
I finally travelled to the land of the brave and the home of the free in 2000 leaving behind CS and the shards of a relationship that was ending between SN and myself. I kept in touch with CS on a regular basis. Then sometime in October 2000, CS said that he was coming to Dallas, TX for few months . I was thrilled to hear that. He landed in Dallas and we would speak regularly to each other. I invited him to come to NJ and he almost did but then backed out saying that he was returning back to Madras. I was disappointed but could not do much about it. This was the time I was also getting to like the song from the movie Taj Mahal – “ChottaChottaNanaiyudhu Taj Mahal”. There was one line that still makes me think of CS – “Indha sirrikkum madhu usurra urrikki kudikka andha muraatu payalum varuvaana”. CS was the “Murattu Payal” (loosely translated as tough, rough, stern, rugged fellow a la Dirty Harry types), I longed for. The song would go on to say – “Thaali Katta Kazhuthu Arikudhe”.On many occasions, I would fantasize that CS was tying the “Thaali” (sacred nuptial knot or thread) around my neck or slip the ring on my finger. For me the “Thaali” or the wedding ring is a powerful symbol of commitment and means much. Then one day, I received an email from CS that said that his parents found him a girl and he was going to be married within the weeks that followed. My head reeled and my heart broke into a proverbial thousand pieces. I sent him a response wishing him well and hoping that he’ll have a happy married life.
I had to move on in life without CS, just like I had done earlier with AC, JK, DA, and SN. By then, I was so used to having my heart broken and hopes crushed that the pain lasted for a day or two and I would get back to living a normal life with a slight lingering memory of the past hopes. It was at this time, I chanced upon the ballad by Celine Dion – “To Love you more” and also a cameo tune from Minnale – Ore Nyabagam. Every time, I listen to these songs, it triggered fond memories of my brief time with my CS.
Days and years passed and after much water (and sewage) had flowed under the bridge, I managed to spend an evening with CS on his brief visit to Madras from the US. I gathered that all was not well between him and his wife. I did not dig for details but selfishly hoped that this would turn out for “our good”. I still feel terrible that I wanted him at the expense of some girl whose parents had probably invested all their savings to help her attain marital bliss. I gathered that he was probably visiting his wife. In any case, we went out for a quick dinner at “Karaikudi” in Besant Nagar and before I headed home, we had a conversation outside his home where I told him in not so subtle ways that I and cared about him (in my mind …. still loved him) and that he could rest assured that I’ll always be there for him.
CS left Madras and after that I moved to another firm. It was my birthday and I did not hear from CS. I sent him a mail demanding as to how he could forget to wish me on my birthday. I received a very strong mail from him admonishing me for being maudlin. In a way he was right for doing so. CS wrote that I need to move beyond “childish” expectations. My immediate and impulsive response was to berate him for lacking sensitivity and it is a mail that I still regret. That was the beginning of an awkward silence from CS for nearly 4 years.
Now, we do talk once awhile and more often than not, he picks up my call without knowing that it is me at the other end of the line. I am trying to rebuild at least the “friendship” I once shared with him and hope to pick up the pieces from where we left off. I am extremely careful in what I say and hope that I will get an opportunity to meet him and spend time with him when I go to Madras for my Christmas vacation. Despite where we are with each other, he still is my favorite “Murattu Payal” and the very thought of him still brings a smile on my face. We did have some amazing times together and it warms my spirit when I reminisce those times.
“ Naatkal Neeludhe, Nee engo ponnadhum, yen dhandanai nan inge vazhvadhum…….ORE NYABAGAM”
