I had to do this

I never thought it would come to this.

But I don’t see any other way out.

I can’t deal with this stress any longer, this self doubt.

What if I was wrong, what if I WAS the bad guy?

What if you were right, what if you were right about me never being able to find someone if I left you?

What if you WERE the one and I couldn’t realize it?

What if I pushed you away by expecting you to spend time with me?

What if I offended you by wanting to know where you were, what you were planning to do for the day?

All these questions. All this stress. I can’t take it any longer. I need relief from this pain. I have to do this. Maybe then, you would no longer be in my memories. I have to do this.

My thoughts are interrupted by the cab driver’s voice. “We’re here.” he says.

I get out, pay him, turn around and start walking. It’s a cold night after the rains. I walk towards the entrance of the building. The glass door feels cold on my palms as I push it open. There’s light music being played and as I look around, I see him. I go over to him and ask, “Ranjith, right?”

To which he responds “Yes, have a seat… You look nice… So, shall we order something?”

“Yes, I would love some coffee” I say to him.

And say to myself “I had to do this”.

Notes:

• This piece was shared by Mujeebur Rahman at Orinam’s 49th Quilt session on Nov 24, 2019, in Chennai.
• Image credits: Broken Heart symbol by Nevit Dilmen. Wikimedia Commons. 2009. Licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.