Our Voices The Orinam Blog

My Bisexual Story: Suri

Photo source: author

I don’t remember her name but I remember her face. Big eyes and two ponytails. Cutest girl in the class. In second standard, I wrote “I love you” on a piece of paper and passed it across to her. She read it, exclaimed, “Eww, she says such dirty things” and promptly flung it into the dustbin.

I was hurt and confused but not because of the rejection. I told her that I loved her because it was the only thing I could do. There were no hopes of reciprocation or fears of repulsion.

I was confused because she called it dirty. How was it dirty? I just said that I loved her. I didn’t mean anything dirty.

Everyday I would make a mental note of the stop where she got down from the school bus. I would make plans of coming there years later and befriending her. Of course I never did.

Bisexuality did not seem like a big deal to me at that time. Every night I would fall asleep telling myself stories about Prince Charmings coming to rescue me, or think of the beautiful dancers I had seen in some casino at Nepal. Their beauty and grace had mesmerized me, the same as the princes in fairy tales.

Eventually, I realized that bisexuality was a big deal. Being anything but heterosexual was a big deal. I concluded that I had to be bi-curious. As for the crushes I had on women, they had to happen to everyone. There was nothing unusual about that, right? I preferred heterosexual porn, but it was mostly the women in it who turned me on. It was all very confusing. It all gets confusing when you refuse to recognize yourself.

Finally, I conceded.

It was tough hearing my friends bitch about openly non-heterosexual girls, say it was a ‘disease’ and keep a pile of books in between when sitting next to them. It was tougher not to protest.

I first came out to my first boyfriend and then cried for hours, because of what I thought that made me in his eyes. He was followed by my sister, parents, best friends, and successive boyfriends. I did not tell my immediate circle of friends. I highly doubted that I would remain just-another-female-friend after that.

With men, it went from “He’s cute” to “Is he single” to “Is he interested?” With women it stopped short at “she’s cute.” I never again wrote “I love you” on a chit of paper. I did not even think of any girl that way. It was unthinkable, then.

***

A few days back a dear friend messaged me on Facebook. She was in love with a girl. She was scared and confused. She was terrified of what that made her…to others and to herself.

Humans have a broad and flowing personality that swerves and flows like an endless river, flooding across the banks of stereotypes and definitions. Society tries to keep things simple. So, it invents terms, then umbrella terms, then scales and broader scales to hold everything within comprehensible limits. It shoves the beauty and complexity of human personality into tiny boxes with labels and rules. It breaks our wings and limits our flight.

Now, I am the international student representative at Cardiff University’s LGBT+ society. I am a perfect three on the Kinsey scale. I have not dated any girl yet but I have kissed a few. “She is cute” has evolved  to “Is she single and not heterosexual?” My Facebook friend has found her wings and is learning to fly. Helping her has inspired me to write this article. I am not as brave as I would like to be, but I am getting there.

So, what about you? What’s your score on the Kinsey scale? Or, are you graphing yours out on Storms’ right now? More importantly, do you know that it does not matter?

Author’s note: I use the term ‘non-heterosexual’ to signify all sexual orientations other than asexual.


Orinam’s note: For more information on bisexuality, see the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) developed by the soci.bi Usenet group, available in English and தமிழ் (Tamil)  on Orinam.

Comments

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  1. Thanks for sharing this candid and beautiful story! It is wonderful that your story inspired your FB friend and helped her accept her sexuality.
    BTW, I am curious to know how your parents and family took your coming out?
    PS: I am a Kinsey 6 :)

    1. Shri,
      My sister is bisexual and she came out about a decade before I did. And she has always openly dated girls, irrespective of what anyone had to say, including my family. So, when she casually outed me to my parents, they were just like, “Another one bites the dust.” My parents are still a little uncomfortable with it all. But they’ll get used to it. 😉 We don’t really care. I guess they are pretty cool parents. As for my extended family, they are not cool, and I don’t give a shit. At the end of the day, I am an intelligent, independent individual; and no matter what they think I am not going to change. I don’t owe them anything. Society exists in our mind. So, the fear of it exists within us too. To fight society, you need to first fight the part of you that tells you, you should be ashamed. I hope that helps!
      Thanks a lot for your compliments! 😀

  2. From one Kinsey3 to another: welcome aboard! As you write, our scores don’t really matter. What matters is being able to acknowledge that our significant attractions span both/all sexes or genders, and letting those who matter know about it. Thanks for helping fight the silencing and dispel the silences!

  3. 1.try and accept yourself first, positives and negatives.
    2.love yourself for being you.
    3.be confident in your own skin.
    seeking other people’s approval will:
    be at most times negative-be prepared. if you have the above 1,2,3, they/it will hold you up.
    be sometimes positive-be surprised, as these persons like/love you and care for you. hold on to them. we need very little affirmation to feel normal and let the rest of the world go by.

  4. Awesome blog post ! I really appreciate your brave writing and well written journal here. Can I translate it into Tamil, re-blog it in my blog. Please let me know, thanks.

    1. Firstly, thank you!! Secondly, do whatever you want as long as you include a link to this article and credit me. 😀

      p.s. from Orinam.net editors: Iqbal – as Orinam is a bilingual website, if you would like to translate this post for Orinam into Tamil, please get in touch with us via http://orinam.net/contact/ Thank you.

  5. Oh Nice. Congratulations Suri :) I am happy you figured a way to come to terms with yourself. I have always thought , coming out to oneself as the toughest thing anyone has to do. What do you think?

    On a related note, Kinsey scale, I believe, is just a scale and might not reflect exactly who we are. I mean, I believe that (though it might not be true for some of us) that sexuality is a function of time and we and our preferences can change over time, though the magnitude of these changes might be minimal (like from saying “he’s cute” to may be “I might date him now”).

    On another related note, I liked your footnote. Nice job recognising asexuals in the conversation. I have seen too many people dismiss asexuality as a phenomenon, particularly in the gay community, which I think is very unfortunate. I know about an asexuality group in the area I live in and I hope all sexual folks can help them come out and be free.

    1. 1. Thank you! And yes, exactly! That is what I have been saying to everyone. Coming out to oneself is the toughest part of the coming out journey.
      2. And yes, Kinsey scale is not a good judge of sexuality for everyone, because sexuality is too complex for a scale. I think that sexuality does not change with time for the most part. Some people take longer to discover themselves. For some others, it does change. I don’t really know, I am not an expert in this field. Sorry! 😛
      3. I strive to be politically correct and not disregard anyone’s feelings ever! Sometimes, I succeed. :) And asexuality is just as real a thing as heterosexuality. It is great that you know an asexual group. I don’t. Their sexuality is the most invisible.

      1. in my own life i noticed that sexuality (sexual desire) keeps on changing from time to time, may be I failed to note it truly

        It may because i worked hard for my living or inefficient to achieve many thing in my life, Nowadays I feel to be a bi male.

  6. Beautifully written. I could relate to the untold love, crush, interest, what-have-you! I wish we build a safer society so that some day kids/youngsters get to express their feelings/emotions without shame or fear.

    1. well said congratulations to you and thanks indeed.

      I failed to realize myself in many of my life phase about me

  7. This is an excelklent writing suri….. yeah…its correct that people nowadays are busy “TAGGING” others with names…rather labelling them in any way possible…but none can change the fact that there is no harm in feeling for aby gender….be it ur opposite one or the same one…i can bet my money on the fact that most girls get turned on when they watch any lesbian porn….so people plz dont hide ur identity…rather ur likings….just be true to urself…rest knots will be untangled themselves…

  8. 3 it is fr me too!! :) and that has resulted in quite a happy 6 yrs of married lyf since me n my hubby check out gals together! 😉 lol and infact i probably am his best partner for a bangkok-pattaya trip!! 😛 lovedd ur writing!! Keep it up! :)

  9. Hmm… I don’t really know what I would be on a Kinsey scale. I wasn’t really honest with myself and didn’t see any opportunity to date women (and I was clueless and scared at the prospect of asking someone and being not only rejected, but judged) and I’m engaged now in a monogamous relationship with a male, who is my best friend and that I find very attractive and wouldn’t trade for anything in this world. But the thing is I rarely find any other men attractive, but I often find other women attractive, even though I’ve never been intimate with another women and never will. (As a bonus to our relationship, my fiance’ and I can both crush on women ^_^) Does that make me a 6 with one really big exception? Eh, I think my take home point is how these scales never tell the full story and how labels only show a 1D perspective of a person.

    And to the author: I admire the fact that you’ve told your family about being Bi. My fiance is the only one that really knows about me, though I suspect that others may suspect, but it doesn’t come up since I’m not dating. The BS I would get from the conservative side of my family is just not worth it.

    1. I completely understand. No one should be forced into the closet and no one should be forced out of it. It is absolutely about what you are comfortable with.
      Like I said, scales can never measure humanity. Feelings and sexuality are too subjective to be quantifiable. And like I also said, IT DOES NOT MATTER! :)
      Thank you for reading.

  10. Being bisexual is very natural. Your sexual orientation does not determine who you are or what you do. Know that you are special, you are not an anomaly. Surround yourself with supportive people. Don’t let other people’s bigotry make you feel bad about who you are. It all comes down to what makes you feel most comfortable and what you perceive yourself to be. & Suri beautifully written. You’re amazing. :)

  11. I know that commenting on my own article is a little bit lame but I just wanted to thank all of Orinam for letting me write this. Now whenever I want to come out to someone and I worry about their doubts and questions, I just send them a link to this page. Because it explains EVERYTHING. Thank you. Thank you so very much. I owe you all a lot. <3

  12. So dose it feel good to come out of the dark and be open to people after so many days of hiding…

    1. Ya, it really does. :) It is bliss. Once you come out, embracing your identity becomes normal after a while. It’s not a fearful battle anymore. It’s just…normal.
      It’s kind of like being a woman but having to hide that you are a woman. Once you come out, it feels natural and right.

      Also, who are you? O.o

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