The Ex-files

by Chandra D.

Interestingly there are 64 words that start with “Ex” among the top 5,000 most commonly used words in English. When dictionaries can accommodate an Ex, why can’t we?

Some Ex-es survive the break-up tempest to become friends, while some completely vanish as if into the Bermuda Triangle. Do relationships ever really vanish, though, or do they experience a transmutation?

Why is that we keep looking for Ex-es even after the relationship has disappeared? Is it because Ex-es make us feel guilty for letting go, or are we jealous a Harley kind of new boyfriend will replace us? I secretly searched for my Ex on Google, Facebook, Orkut, and Linked in, and prayed I would run into him on the street corner, at a traffic light, or at the grocery store. But why? For atonement or attainment in the unrealized dream turned nightmare?

After spending six months with tissues, issues, and searches on the World Wide Web, I finally thought I had climbed out of the emotional dumpster and gotten over the rocky terrain. But the cell phone ring that morning made me fall right back into the dumpster. The call was a familiar voice from the “Don’t call” registry. Obviously the Ex-orcism didn’t work; my Ex was back. Now I felt as if I were being chased and possessed again.

Sleepless nights and a re-hash of our relationship – tender moments and haunting memories – followed the phone call. And I bought a few more boxes of tissues to sort out my issues. Was this call an act of kindness or an act of cruelty? Was he back so soon to again teach me more lessons? I badly needed a class on “Ex 101”.

Back at the bottom of the dumpster again, I was swamped by questions weighing on me like a mound of earth over a grave. It’s not that easy to transmute an Ex into a friend. For that matter, it’s not even easy to move an Ex from the (almost) blocked list back into the “accept incoming call” list. Aren’t rules of engagement different between an Ex and a friend?

Equations change when that special someone gets downgraded to Ex. Families on both sides are instantly forgotten and abandoned; friends are torn apart and left hanging clueless; anniversaries and birthdays are like Friday the 13th; and gifts and pictures are packed in cartoon boxes, labeled with a skull and crossbones and put in the attic.

Are expired relationships dangerous? Should they be quarantined or disposed in outer space? Can they cause an “Ex”plosion if handled carelessly? A friend of mine was outed to his parents by a spiteful Ex, but not all Ex-es are nefarious and vengeful. Some are kind, caring and humble – just not to their Ex-es.

So, there he was. From the phone call I knew he was living my dream happily in the US with a boyfriend and making plans for a union ceremony after eight months of being together. Eight months! Could someone erase my three years of hard work in just eight months? Could I be happy for someone living my dream or was I going to turn green with envy and plot sabotage? Should I extend ex-gratia in the form of kindness, unconditional love, forgiveness, and moral and financial support? I happily mutated into a protector, and took on a new avatar as friend, philosopher and guide – all in one.

Do Ex-es come back looking to pay the accrued interest from our earlier deposits in their emotional bank account? Yes they do!

There I was in the red after a few family emergencies. My cell phone cried out again. Another forgotten ring tone from the Do Not Call registry. Well, it was my ex-gratia! He was offering me a relief package and rope to climb out of the hole that I was in, with a no-interest loan. Maybe we can extract more from an Ex as a friend than a partner? I didn’t take up the loan offer, but nevertheless I upgraded him from the “Don’t call” to “Occasionally call” registry.

Do Ex-es come back to remind us of our past (mistakes!) or do they come back to express their regret and rebuild the burnt bridges? I thought this was one question that I would never be able to answer, but then Newton seems to have the perfect explanation for why Ex-es keep coming back into our lives. Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, and it always reappears in another form. I’m just glad my Ex is now a friend.

Thanks to Chandra D. for permission to reproduce this essay from his blog.